The Quest for Concealed Carry Perfection

I’ve been carrying a concealed firearm (mostly consistently) for about 16 or 17 years. Not having even seen an actual gun in real life until I was 20 years old, it took me a little while to get used to the idea of carrying a firearm. And it has taken me even longer to find the right way for me to carry.

In all honesty, there have been a few right ways for me to carry. Because I tend to be detail-oriented, I can hyper-focus like it’s nobody’s business, and am a bit of a perfectionist, I think that I was looking for that ‘perfect’ solution for my concealed carry. Add to that the fact that I am a woman who has spent a large amount of time pregnant, and/or with an increasing number of children, at the same time learning to get over my aversion to spending money on things for myself. Put all that together and you get a recipe for very long, slow journey into trying to find my one perfect solution.

What I’ve learned along the way is that it is important for your concealed firearm to be safe, accessible, and for your carry method to fit your body and your life.  The details can change with time and circumstances.

Not long after Jared and I got married, he took me to a gun show to buy me my first handgun. It was probably one of the most “deer-in-the-headlights” experiences I’ve ever had. Not only did I feel uncomfortable about spending money on myself (you’ll see this is a theme here), but I had no clue what I should be using as a criteria for choosing a handgun, and so my decision came down to what my husband thought would work for me and which one felt the least awkward in my hands. We went home with a Beretta 92.

I shot my Beretta a few times, but it took a long time for me to be brave enough to carry it in public. And even then, it was relegated to my purse. I was nowhere near comfortable enough to wear it on my body. I carried it in my purse occasionally (usually after Jared asked if I had been carrying it), but I would say that it took a few years before I was carrying it consistently.

During that time when I was starting to become more consistent and more comfortable with having my gun with me, I started having children. I knew in theory that it would be best if I wore my gun on my body, but in my reality, pregnancy and nursing babies put that step of my journey on the back burner.

I carried that Beretta in my diaper bag for years. Then one day, Jared handed me a CZ75 Compact. I don’t know how long he had it. I think he bought it off his brother. But it was like a revelation after carrying my beast of a Beretta. It was easier to shoot, and smaller, making it easier to carry. Why had I been using that other thing for so long? To be fair, Jared had encouraged me before this to move on from my Beretta, but it was easier to not have to make another awkward, uncomfortable decision about a firearm and just stick with the one I had. In my busy life filled with potty-training and Legos and laundry, I hadn’t prioritized figuring out a better solution, or even figuring out that there might be a better solution.

Next, I carried my CZ75 Compact in my diaper bag for years. Jared continued to encourage me to be looking for something better. He had me try Glocks, and while I liked the idea of not having an exposed hammer, I wasn’t comfortable with the angle of the grip on the Glock. It felt weird to me. Then one day, Jared said, “I’d like you to try a new gun. I think you might like it.” Okay, I like my CZ, those Glocks were a bust, but sure…

Now I had a brand-spankin’ new Smith & Wesson M&P. But there was a big difference between this gun and my other two. It had no safety. I had carried my other two guns in pockets of my purse or diaper bag that would hold them upright and easy to reach, but without any kind of retention. The lack of a safety on my M&P gave me pause. If I carried a round in the chamber, I felt the need for the trigger to have more protection than I had given my previous guns.

This was a turning point for me. This was when I started trying to think of solutions for myself. The first thing I got was a Kydex holster with a belt clip, which was good, but I wasn’t done having kids, so the whole pregnancy and nursing babies thing was still very much keeping me from carrying on my body.

Because I didn’t want to spend money on solutions that may not work for me, I got to work thinking of solutions for myself. The clip on my holster was meant for a belt, so I took an old belt and attached a piece of it onto the inside, back wall of my purse. I carried it that way until the purse wore out. Then I had the thought that I wanted the gun to be against something rigid, instead of the floppy wall of my purse, so I made myself a hard insert that held my holster and snapped onto the back wall of my purse. After I showed off my Frankensteined purse insert to someone, they informed me that there was a company that made something similar (but that would mean spending the money. We’ll just ignore the time and materials I spent on my homemade stuff). I kept using my homemade purse insert until the purse it was made for started to disintegrate. You see, I was buying cheap purses, then lugging around a gun in them. Not a good combination for longevity.

At this point I was pretty sure I was done having babies. I started seriously thinking about moving my gun from my purse to my body. It took me a long time, and a lot of over-analyzing, but I got there. My first step was actually choosing my own gun for the first time. I really like my M&P, but I knew that if I was going to be comfortable carrying on my body, I was going to need a more concealable gun. My immediate thought was to get a Smith & Wesson Shield, which I eventually did, but I did look at and try different guns before I settled on it.

Next, I spent a long time looking at my different carry options and mostly picking them apart and seeing all the reasons why they wouldn’t work for me, until my sister-in-law sent me a link. She had also gotten a Shield for herself and had been researching holster options. Because I’m a picky perfectionist, I found things I didn’t like about the holster she suggested, but it led me to another option that I finally spent money on, and finally started wearing my gun on my body. I wear a Kydex holster in a belly band, just above my waist. Although it’s not perfect, it is a big step toward me feeling that my gun is well-concealed on my body.

Having gotten rid of the ball and chain of carrying my gun in a purse (really, you can’t just put it down and walk away), I wish I had done it sooner. But I also know that during that chapter in my life, carrying in a purse was what worked for me. I’m just glad that I kept working towards something better. And as things change in my life and on my body, I know that I may need to change things to make it perfect for me in the next chapter of my life.

I think that the reason I took so long to really do my own research and start putting thought into making decisions about my firearms and my carry method was because I never took ownership of those decisions. I knew that it was important for me to be able to protect myself and my children, but I didn’t feel confident in my ability to choose well for myself. I was overwhelmed by the all the options that were out there and I avoided making decisions because it made me uncomfortable.  Once I made that decision about getting the Beretta, I avoided having to make another decision. I continued to avoid decisions about my firearms until I started to realize, little by little, that I had the ability to make those decisions for myself. I could research and ask questions and experiment, and through that process, I could be confident in my choices. I don’t have to (and shouldn’t) rely on someone else to make those choices for me.

Don’t be afraid to put the time (and money) into finding what works best for you right now. Do your research. Try things out. Ask questions of people with more knowledge and experience, but understand that they are not you. You are you, and you have to be the one to choose what works best for you.

Don’t be afraid to try something new when your “perfect” solution isn’t perfect anymore.

And always check the return policy. If it doesn’t work for you, send it back.

— Abby